Internal Reflections
by Elvenqueen Sarah
Summary: (Set loosely between Saiyuki Reload Even A Worm Vol 21 & 22 ) After Sanzo leaves to track down Goku's attacker by himself Goku recalls another time when the golden-haired priest dealt retribution on those who had harmed him. (Rated T just to be safe)


**Author's Note: **This is the third of 9 stories I have written for Saiyuki over the years and which I have now decided to share for the first time online. This story is my idea of the thoughts and feelings of the characters, particularly Goku and Sanzo, after the events in Reload Vol 6 & 7. This story was written before Vol 8 was released so there are no spoilers for that volume in this story. Please note there's no romantic pairing between any characters.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the recognised characters mentioned in this story. They by right belong to **Kazuya Minekura**, creator of the Saiyuki manga series. Any recognised dialogue/event from the Saiyuki & Saiyuki Reload manga, in particular the events in Reload Vol 6 & 7, is the property of **Kazuya Minekura**, however, the majority of the story is from my own imagination and represents my impression on the thoughts and feelings of the characters surrounding the aforementioned events. I am not making any profit out of this story.

**Internal Reflections**

"Sorrow which is never spoken is the heaviest load to bear." - F.R. Havergal

The walls of cold grey stone glimmered bleakly in the faint lantern light, the worn bricks cracked and crumbling with age lending the motel room a fairly unwelcoming atmosphere, which was not alleviated in the slightest by the dirty furniture littered carelessly around the room, nor by the dust covered floor which featured the occasional visiting spider scuttling across it frantically in search of its next meal.

The only occupant in the room was a teenage boy whose youthful appearance often had many jumping to the assumption that he was in fact much younger than his actual age, and as he was sitting dejectedly on his bed, his golden eyes misted over with sorrow, the boy did in fact look to be only about twelve years old.

'Gojyo's an idiot!'

The startling announcement would certainly have earned the teenager at the very least a hard cuff around the head from his redheaded companion had the said "idiot" been within hearing distance. As it was the youth wrapped his arms around himself tightly and leaned back until his spine met the chilling surface of the stone wall behind him.

'How could he talk about Sanzo like that? After everything we've been through together! He should know him better than that! Stupid cockroach!'

Shivering violently the boy felt his stomach lurch as he recalled vividly the one memory he had of the night he was attacked before his mind went blank. He had been talking to Sanzo about Hazel and whether it was right to try and bring someone back from the dead. He had told Sanzo, upon being asked, that he wouldn't want someone to bring him back and so in that case he would make sure not to die. Then Sanzo had smiled at him, a soft, good humoured smile, tinged with affection, that had lightened his entire countenance as he replied that that was good enough for him.

But then Sanzo had continued, his voice strangely gentle but with a compelling element of conviction as he told him quietly, 'everyone has to die eventually Goku. That's the way the world works. But you have to live your life assuming that that time isn't coming for a while.'

Everything had been going so peacefully, in hindsight it was almost like the calm before the storm and when that storm broke it had ripped between them violently.

Pressing his eyes closed against the tears threatening to spill over onto his cheeks, Goku saw again Sanzo's clear amethyst eyes as he turned toward him before entering the motel. His eyes had been curious, puzzled as to what had caused his usually talkative companion to suddenly fall silent. And then those eyes had widened to deep violet pools of horrified shock as crimson blood had splattered toward them.

Scrubbing furiously at his eyes Goku sniffed quietly. 'He saw it!' he whispered. 'That's why he ran, he was just doing what he always did when I got hurt and this time I almost died, in fact Sanzo thought I had according to Hakkai! Gojyo may not believe it and Hakkai might only suspect something but I know where he's gone! He's gone after the psycho bastard that did this by himself and I don't care if Gojyo and Hakkai say he took a thousand Hazel's with him, Sanzo's not going to rest until he finds whoever it was that attacked me and he could end up getting killed unless we find him.'

Running a nervous hand through his short brown hair Goku couldn't suppress the shudder that shook his slim frame as he remembered the strange absence of any form of presence during the attack. '_What sort of chance does Sanzo have when he won't be able to sense the attacker_,' he thought anxiously, '_let alone the fact that he probably has no idea of who it is that he's chasing_. _If we're not there to help him he'll die!_'

Unable to stay still any longer Goku jumped up from the bed and began pacing the floor restlessly.

'What the hell does Gojyo know anyway,' he suddenly demanded of the empty room. 'Hakkai just finishes sayin' that Sanzo probably ran off at first because he was so shaken up at me "dying" and that stupid, perverted, brainless water sprite tries to say that Sanzo's weak or somethin'! Sanzo's not weak and he knew Hakkai and Gojyo were here so I wasn't alone. Plus how many times has he seen me come back from when I go berserk and I'm always okay, in fact usually it's always Sanzo that's...'

His voice trailing off into silence Goku wasn't able to banish the terrifying images of Sanzo's blood-soaked body laying crumpled on the ground, his breath coming out in harsh, short gasps.

'Sanzo...'

The distressed whisper had barely left Goku's lips when the sounds of a hushed argument carried to the young teenager's sharp ears. Glancing quickly toward the barred window Goku crept over and kneeling down he shamelessly eavesdropped on the quiet verbal sparring being fought just outside the motel.

'All I'm saying Gojyo is be careful about what you say in front of Goku. I know you were probably feeling quite powerless to help when both of us had our limiters off but you need to remember that Goku's upset enough about Sanzo's disappearance without you making it worse by making derogatory remarks at every turn.' Hakkai's voice was its usual placid tone however there was something in the way he spoke that caused a shiver to run down Goku's spine.

'Damn it Hakkai, even you can't deny that that damn monk is a self-centred, hypocritical scumbag who as soon as something goes wrong that doesn't fit in with his plans decides to go his own merry way and be damned to everyone else.' Gojyo's irritated whisper rose another decibel. 'Hell, he even left the monkey behind, fully knowing that he was alive! Surely that says something to you? I can tell you that it certainly shows me that he doesn't give a crap about anyone but himself!'

Goku's fists clenched tightly at this and he could feel himself rising to his feet but before he was fully upright Hakkai's voice, deadlier and more sinister than he had ever heard it before, was speaking quietly.

'As a friend I would warn you Gojyo that one day that temper of yours is going to be the end of you. Sanzo has his faults, quite a number in fact, but the one thing he is not is hypocritical. He may be short-tempered, arrogant, haughty to the point of being near insufferable and, yes, he does on occasion display a certain self-centred interest with concern to his own comfort that is a bit difficult to handle sometimes, but he does care. He cares so deeply that he puts up so many barriers it is almost impossible to breach them. The only person I have seen break through them with barely any effort at all is a certain golden eyed child that Sanzo rescued from five hundred years of imprisonment at the top of a mountain, a child I might add whom Sanzo once took an almost fatal blow for.

'And you said yourself that he came back the first time he ran off and I have no doubt it was when he felt the power of Goku's unleashed form. Sanzo's no idiot he would have realised what we were facing, but from what you told me he came just as I managed to defeat Goku after which he left. Now we don't know for sure why he left, I have my suspicions, none of which leave me feeling comfortable with regard to his safety, but obviously he felt he needed to go without us. However, he knew you and I would be here for Goku should anything happen and he trusts us.

'I won't ever forget that it was Sanzo who interceded for me during my trial and secured the chance for me to start over. I would trust him with my life and he knows that. So despite what you believe Gojyo, Sanzo isn't someone who just uses people until their usefulness is expired, he is someone who would put his very life on the line to protect that which he considers to be most precious to him.

'Now in case you have any more accusations to bring against him I would recommend you keep them to yourself. I don't want to hear them and I certainly don't want you distressing Goku any further. I've a feeling this will be the longest he's ever been separated from Sanzo so it won't be easy for him, especially considering that out of all of us Sanzo is the only one that can depress Goku to the point of not eating and then revive his appetite with a few short words.'

An extremely tense silence descended upon the early evening air and holding his breath quietly Goku began to grow slightly nervous as to what could happen. He had never heard Hakkai so angry before.

Finally, after what seemed an eternity of waiting, Gojyo's voice spoke again, only this time it was more controlled and the fire appeared almost completely doused. 'Sorry Hakkai, my brother always did say my temper was one of the worst things about me! Must be because of the red hair!'

Ending on a shaky laugh Gojyo fell silent once again before, his tone growing stronger as he continued, he said quietly, 'but surely Hakkai you must have felt pretty angry at him too before you stopped to think about it? I mean come on, we get out there and he's on the ground near Goku, not saying a word and then he just ups and goes off with barely a word, and even that didn't make sense! Who the hell was he talking about? "I'll kill him!" What was that supposed to mean? Kill who? According to Goku they couldn't have seen who did it, they didn't even know anyone was there.'

'That's what concerns me.'

Although Hakkai hadn't raised his voice Goku could hear the worry lacing his tone as clearly as though he had shouted the words.

'When we found him Gojyo there was something off about his whole aura. He was deeply in shock, even to the extent that I had to slap him out of it, which all things considered isn't surprising as he had just witnessed Goku being sliced open multiple times in front of him. But there was a part of him that seemed distracted, as though his mind was caught in a disturbing memory, and I have a feeling that maybe Sanzo might have had some inkling as to who or what attacked Goku and if that's the case my apprehension regarding the reason as to why he left only increases.'

'Why?' Sounding curious against his will, Gojyo would have been stunned speechless had he known that a certain golden eyed teenager who was listening could have told him the answer.

'You mentioned Sanzo saying something before he left,' Hakkai stated. 'A threat to kill "him", correct?'

Hearing no reply Goku assumed that Gojyo must have nodded when Hakkai continued, 'as I was a bit distracted by Goku at the time I didn't hear what Sanzo said, however, I had caught a close glimpse of his eyes when he looked at me after I struck him. Gojyo, his eyes were dead. There was no light in them and what frightens me is that his expression is exactly the same as mine was after I lost Kanan. I fear that Sanzo, even though Goku is still alive, has taken it upon himself to track down whoever did this and exact revenge upon them and if that's the case I don't think we should delay finding him for too long, for his sake if nothing else. Sanzo has never killed for revenge before, he's only ever done it out of the necessity to survive and I don't want him to suffer the weight of guilt that a pre-meditated death causes to the soul.'

A soft, whispering sigh drifted on the cool night air before Hakkai's gentle voice said reminiscently, 'the first time we met Sanzo amazed me with his power to see past the surface of someone's appearance. It was as though he looked not at your face but straight through to your heart. I would never have believed that someone would find it possible to forgive what I did but that day when he convinced the Three Aspects to grant me a second chance, even knowing what he did about my crimes, Sanzo gave me hope that one day it might happen.'

Creeping back to his bed Goku lay down slowly, his two companions' ongoing conversation sounding muffled to his ears as he pulled a pillow over his head. He couldn't bear to hear Hakkai talk about Sanzo like that, with his every word bringing to mind all the memories of the rarely seen compassionate side of the golden haired priest until the painful void created by his absence widened until it was almost unbearable.

Curling into himself Goku once again fought the tears that threatened to fall as he felt the almost physical ache in his chest grow as he, for what seemed like the millionth time since he had awoken, wished desperately that Sanzo would suddenly walk into the room right now and whack him over the head for being such an idiot and causing everyone to worry about him.

'I'm sure Sanzo would love it if I told him I actually missed being belted with that fan of his,' Goku mumbled into the lumpy mattress beneath him. 'He'd probably hit me twice as hard and call me a stupid monkey.'

His voice seizing up on the last word Goku took a deep, shuddering breath which was released quickly when he felt something land next to his side.

Jerking up Goku glanced down and saw the small white dragon, Hakuryu, staring unblinkingly at him, his wide eyes glinting with sympathy.

Shoulders sinking in relief Goku reached out and gently patted the dragon's head. 'You know Hakuryu, the thing I miss most is that no matter how grumpy he got I always knew that if I had a real problem he'd listen to me and somehow whenever he was around, no matter what mood he was in, he made it seem like I mattered.

'I know Gojyo probably would never believe me about this, although Hakkai might after what he just said, but Sanzo has always looked after me, ever since he let me out of that cave. Sometimes while we were at Keiun Temple I'd fall asleep on the floor in Sanzo's office or outside under one of the trees and Sanzo would always come and get me and if he couldn't wake me up I'd wake up in the morning in my bed and although he never said anythin' I know it was Sanzo that put me there, and covered me with my blankets as none of the other monks would've done that.'

Halting in his monologue whilst he shifted into a more comfortable position Goku felt some of the tension that had filled his body ooze out of his system at this chance to speak frankly about the one he regarded as the most important figure in his life.

'Sometimes I got scared when it was really dark, I felt like I was back in the cave and I was all alone again. Whenever that happened Sanzo let me stay in his room, though I had to promise not to snore or wake him up too early and he never said I was weak or anythin' like that, he just told me that I'd be able to deal with it one day and not to be ashamed of gettin' scared and that everyone got frightened at some point and anyone that couldn't admit to that was either a complete moron or they were lyin' through their ar–'

_Cheep!_

Hakuryu's protesting cry had Goku breaking off mid-curse and looking into the dragon's eyes Goku could swear his gaze was as disapproving as Hakkai's would have been.

'Sorry Hakuryu, through their _teeth_ then,' Goku amended before continuing with his confidences. 'But there is one thing that Sanzo has always done that, no matter how much he yells at me or hits me, reminds me that he does care about me. Every time that I got injured or someone tried to hurt me Sanzo wouldn't stop until he had punished the ones who did it.

'One time, a few months after he found me, some of the monks at the Temple thought it'd be funny to lock me in one of the abandoned storehouses. The storehouses were made of really thick stone and they didn't have any windows, the only light came from a small crack underneath the door...'

His voice trailing off Goku suddenly found it impossible to continue. The memory of the maliciousness of the monks still had the power to haunt him, especially on days when the comforting presence of Sanzo was missing.

However, what Goku was unable to say aloud could not be prevented from replaying in his mind. As though the events were occurring in front of him Goku sat motionless, staring unblinkingly ahead as the incident from long ago arose fresh in his memory...

_'Sanzo, why can't I come with you?'_

_The whining tone rang out plaintively in the priest's office as the golden haired Sanzo finished off the last of his morning coffee and sent a burning glare toward the petulant child sitting across from him behind his desk._

_'I told you last time I took you with me monkey that if you played up I wouldn't take you the next time I had to go somewhere and so what did you do? As soon as we arrived you broke a statue that had been venerated in the Temple for over a thousand years, you then proceeded to try and climb every pillar in the building, you insulted the head priest by making the most inappropriate remark concerning his bulging stomach and then upon returning home you tried to set free a cage full of birds being legitimately sold which not only did I have to assist in recapturing but which also resulted in me being forced to take medications for a week after being bitten by an irate bird!'_

_By the time Sanzo finished his tirade Goku was looking more than a little shamefaced. 'I'm sorry Sanzo,' he muttered sadly. 'It was only that the birds looked so upset and I didn't like seein' them trapped in that cage.'_

_Running a hand down his face wearily Sanzo sighed quietly as he felt the irritation drain out of him. 'I know Goku, but I can't afford to have any incidents occur on this trip. I'll be back this evening so just behave yourself until I get back and I'll take you to the village tomorrow.'_

_Golden eyes brightening immediately Goku leapt up from his seat and almost bouncing with excitement asked eagerly, 'can I get some meatbuns Sanzo? Please?'_

_Smiling slightly in amusement at his ward's fast changing moods Sanzo replied dryly, 'if I say no you'll only badger me until I give in won't you monkey, so okay fine.' Wincing at the high pitched yell of gleeful anticipation, Sanzo walked toward the door and after opening it warned Goku over his shoulder, 'make sure you behave yourself whilst I'm gone.'_

_Determined not to give Sanzo any cause to renege on his offer to take him to the village the next day, Goku walked with deliberate slowness into the garden and sat beside the trickling fountain, resolving to stay out of trouble, or at least try to as much as possible._

_After five minutes Goku's good intentions were paling fairly quickly. _

_Whilst many would deem sitting quietly in a garden with nothing to do as a rather pleasant pastime, to a hyperactive, curious child it was like asking a puppy to stop romping around the yard and chasing its tail before making it sit perfectly still in the corner with nothing to do but wait patiently until it was released._

_Fidgeting restlessly, Goku's fingers itched to plunge themselves in the cool water beside him and attempt to catch one of the fish swimming mindlessly beneath the clear, shimmering surface._

_'I wish Sanzo would hurry up,' Goku moaned after another torturous five minutes. 'I'm hungry and bored but if I go near the temple the monks will get mad and then Sanzo'll yell 'cause I got into trouble.'_

_Sighing dejectedly Goku was about to stare wistfully into the blue sky above him when he heard the sound of footsteps approaching. Knowing that they weren't Sanzo's, Goku didn't bother to turn around, he'd quickly learnt that if he tried to greet the monks that they would either ignore him or rudely whisper something between themselves whilst glaring at him before pointedly walking away. He was therefore shocked to hear a voice call out, 'hey kid!'_

_Twisting around Goku stared at the group of young acolytes who were standing on the path behind him, their faces surprisingly friendly._

_'Me?'_

_The tallest in the group, obviously the leader, nodded encouragingly. 'Yeah, you want to play a game with us?'_

_Golden eyes brightening instantly and all memories of being previously ignored forgotten, Goku sprang up, a wide smile spreading across his face as he replied ecstatically, 'sure, what you playin'?'_

_Missing the triumphant smirks that appeared briefly on the monks' faces Goku listened happily as the group leader informed him, 'well, what we do is, we put a blindfold on someone and then take them somewhere and they have to guess where they are without looking.'_

_His mind immediately caught by the challenge of the game Goku grinned and even when he was informed that he would be the first to be blindfolded the beaming smile could not be wiped away._

_'Wait until I tell Sanzo,' he thought happily as a black cloth was wrapped securely over his eyes. 'He's always tellin' me to go play outside with the others and now I am! These guys must be new here though 'cause none of the other monks would ever play with me or even come near me!'_

_Feeling a couple of hands grasp him firmly on the arms Goku squashed his initial reaction to fight them off, after all he had been told that they would have to lead him so he wouldn't fall over anything._

_All the way to the mysterious destination Goku listened, highly entertained, as the acolytes told amusing stories about their teachers and incidents that had happened in their early morning class._

_'And then Master Ikumi forgot about the pot behind him, tripped over it and landed on top of the pile of cow droppings we were using as fertiliser,' a voice laughing hysterically from Goku's left finished, causing him to snigger quietly, although he couldn't help thinking what would've happened if Sanzo had been the one to have the accident. 'Anyone that dared to laugh would've got a smack over the head most likely,' he thought wincing at the image, 'though I don't think Sanzo would ever be that clumsy.'_

_Coming out of his thoughts Goku realised that the group's pace had slowed considerably and instantly voicing his discovery was told, 'we're almost there.'_

_It was only later that Goku came to understand that the first feelings of unease had begun to creep into his mind at this point, however at the time he was only aware that his enjoyment of the "game" had diminished slightly._

_When the group finally stopped Goku instinctively swivelled his head from side to side as though attempting to see where he had been led. _

_Suddenly a hard shove into his back had him stumbling forward to the ground, his hands scraping painfully against a hard rocky surface as his face connected with the earth._

_Scrambling to rise Goku felt a firm knee collide with his side and the next instant he was falling backward onto a cold smooth floor with enough force to knock the breath out of his lungs._

_'Not so insolent without your owner around are you, you dirty little beast!'_

_'Why Priest Sanzo would keep something like you around is beyond me, you're nothing but a nuisance!'_

_'You deserve to be left in here to rot like the foul animal you are!'_

_The poisonous words fell upon Goku's head in rapid succession, their vindictiveness made all the more terrible by the intimidating darkness that still enveloped his vision. Raising his hands quickly, Goku tore off the blindfold just as a heavy door slammed shut. Peering into the inky blackness surrounding him Goku fought the terror rising within him._

_'Let's see how long you last in there! If you're lucky we might let you out soon!' _

_The mocking taunts pierced through the dark with a chilling sting and, shivering, Goku stumbled blindly to where he could see a tiny sliver of light shining between a narrow opening beneath the door._

_Raising his hands Goku pounded his fists against the solid door desperately._

_'Lemme out! LEMME OUT!' _

_Images of a cave with bars and shackles binding him in eternal imprisonment flooded Goku's mind as he screamed in growing terror. The sound of sneering laughter drifting away into the distance was the only reply from his tormentors._

_Gazing about frantically as he attempted to discern even the smallest clue which would assist him in identifying where he was, Goku's eyes filled with tears of anguish as the darkness pressed against his vision making it impossible to uncover even the smallest hint of the location of his new prison._

_Goku could feel his control slipping and memories of that night when he had believed himself to have been abandoned filled his mind until a new form of terror seized him. He still did not know what had happened that night but Goku had soon realised that something catastrophic had occurred as many of the monks had given him a wide berth since then, and it was just as the thought of something similar occurring ran through his mind that an image appeared._

_A tall figure with golden hair, violet eyes and a stern but reassuring voice shone in the darkness and clinging to the vision unrelentingly Goku called silently for the one who had saved him._

_Sanzo!_

_The name was like a mantra, repeated continuously, over and over again inside Goku's mind and then as the oppressive silence began to deafen him, in a small, beseeching whisper._

_Time lost all meaning inside the dark cell and as he crouched on the freezing ground, eyes tightly closed and his arms wrapped around his stomach, Goku was unaware of the passage of time. He did not see the tiny ray of light under the door gradually fade away, nor did he hear the mournful cry of the night owl as it sat in its lonely tree, staring at the star filled sky overhead. Nothing could penetrate the boy's consciousness as he lay curled on the stone floor in an almost catatonic daze, his mind only concentrating on one thing; his golden haired sun._

_So steeped was he in his efforts to retain the image of Sanzo's face in his mind that when the small sound first came Goku was unable to comprehend its meaning. But then it came again._

_There in the black silence a shining sliver of hope was approaching in the soft footsteps outside._

_His trancelike state splintering in a second Goku leapt to his feet. Ignoring the faint ache in his side where the acolyte's knee had connected with his lower ribs, and casting childish pride aside he ran to the door and slamming his fists against the door he screamed frantically, 'SANZO!'_

_The footsteps instantly broke into a run and the next moment a harsh scraping noise pierced through the night as the locks were drawn back hastily before the door swung open violently to reveal one very concerned, but seriously infuriated, priest._

_'Goku, who –'_

_'Sanzo!' _

_The sharp cry had barely left Goku's throat when he hurled himself forward, uncaring of anything but obtaining some sort of physical reassurance that he wasn't trapped forever once more in a cold, dark prison, isolated from everyone and everything._

_Flinging his arms around his guardian's waist tightly Goku buried his face in Sanzo's stomach as he felt an overwhelming sense of relief wash over him. His eyes burning fiercely Goku was unable to hold back the tears that finally leaked down his cheeks in an endless stream._

_Startled when he felt the warm moisture gathering on his robes, Sanzo's fury at finding his ward locked in a storehouse was pushed aside for the moment, and instead of demanding an explanation as he had originally intended, he slowly raised one hand and rested it gently on the tousled brown hair pressing into him whilst slipping his other arm securely around the shaking boy's shoulders._

_Feeling inadequately qualified to deal with the situation Sanzo remained silent as Goku muttered incoherently into his robes. It was only when Goku's severe trembling had quietened and his tearful murmurs had disappeared that Sanzo finally pulled away, although still retaining a reassuring grip on Goku's thin shoulder._

_'Come on monkey, let's go.' The nickname was said without mockery and with a strange gentle quality that normally would have surprised Goku, but on this occasion only caused him to shift closer to his rescuer and nod silently._

_Stepping outside for the first time in over sixteen hours Goku drew a deep breath of the crisp night air, the nearby delicate scent of cherry blossoms soothing the last remnants of his tremors._

_No words were spoken on the walk back to Sanzo's rooms. Goku was too relieved to finally be out of his dark prison and back with his guardian that his only thoughts were concerned with not letting Sanzo out of his sight for the near foreseeable future. For his part, the golden haired priest was silently fuming, his mind devising the most unpleasant punishments for the as yet unidentified party that had been responsible for imprisoning his ward in the cruellest and most vile of ways._

_Having made their way to Sanzo's rooms without any unfortunate encounters with other inhabitants of the temple, the two quiet companions stood in wordless silence for a moment before Sanzo pointed to a chair beside his desk._

_'Sit down Goku.'_

_The command was said without any sign of impatience and having waited until the child was seated Sanzo finally approached his desk and lowered himself carefully into his own chair. Reaching down he opened the lowest drawer and extracting from its depths the item that he had placed there upon his return some hours earlier, he handed it over to the surprised Goku._

_'Eat these first and then we'll talk.'_

_Goku stared at the bag in his hand before slowly opening it. When he saw the contents a wide smile spread across his face and forgetting the past excruciating hours he exclaimed happily, 'are they really all for me Sanzo?'_

_Snorting inelegantly, the priest leaned back in his chair and replied dryly, 'I certainly didn't buy a whole bag of meatbuns for myself monkey! They're probably cold by now but I don't think you'll care.'_

_Shaking his head vigorously, Goku plunged his hand into the bag and quickly withdrawing a round and delicious smelling bun shoved the entire thing into his mouth with a blissful moan of ecstasy._

_'Stupid chimp, try chewing it before you choke!'_

_Casting an apologetic glance at the exasperated expression on Sanzo's face Goku took the next bun out with infinite care and with slightly less haste than before took a huge bite, chewed the mouthful twice and then swallowed noisily._

_'Thanks Sanzo! I was really hungry!'_

_Acknowledging the words of gratitude with a barely perceptible nod, Sanzo waited in pensive silence until the last meatbun had been devoured with satisfied delight by Goku before commencing with his questions in relation to the events of that morning._

_'Goku, I want you to tell me who locked you in that storehouse and why.'_

_The beaming smile vanished instantly and the glow in the golden eyes dimmed significantly as Goku recalled the exact reason he was sitting in Sanzo's office in the middle of the night, only just having finished his second meal for the past twenty four hours._

_'I – I dunno who they were.' The soft whisper was a mere breath of sound. 'They were some of the younger monks but I didn't know who. They found me in the garden, I was tryin' to be good Sanzo, honest!' _

_Golden eyes turned beseechingly to Sanzo who nodded, not betraying by the flicker of an eyelid the burning fury once again swelling inside of him._

_'I know you were Goku. What happened then?'_

_'T-They asked if I wanted to play a game an' when I said yes they told me that they were goin' to blindfold me an' take me somewhere an' then I'd have to guess where I was.'_

_Repressing a shudder Sanzo knew all too well the game being described. He had seen it often as a child and mercifully he had never been at all inclined to agree with the acolytes who had invited him to participate in the "game". Some new acolytes who had been targeted for whatever reason by others in their groups had disappeared for whole days before being found, cold, hungry and humiliated. Hearing that Goku had been selected for this sadistic form of pranking Sanzo's hands clenched tightly and, his eyes narrowing suspiciously as he took in Goku's bloodied palms and dirty clothes, he asked dangerously,_

_'did they do anything else to you before they locked you in the storehouse?'_

_Goku's face fell as he surreptitiously tried to hide his hands up his sleeves without pressing against his side which still felt tender. 'They kept talkin' as we were goin' down the path, tellin' me about their teachers but then they...someone pushed me really hard and I fell, I guess I hurt my hands then. When I tried to get up they kicked me in the side and then I was in the room and they slammed the door shut before I could get out.'_

_The tense silence that fell after Goku ceased speaking remained unbroken until a small voice asked hesitantly, 'Sanzo...am I a nuisance?'_

_Frowning deeply over two suddenly discerning violet eyes Sanzo demanded harshly, 'is that what they said?'_

_Nodding reluctantly Goku peered anxiously at Sanzo's face. 'They said that I was a "dirty little beast" and a "foul animal" and that they didn't know why you kept me since I was nothing but a nuisance.'_

_Standing in one sharp movement Sanzo stalked over to the window overlooking the temple gardens and cursed under his breath. 'Damn bastards!'_

_Taking a firm grip on his anger Sanzo finally turned back to face the now extremely nervous Goku and relaxing his tense stance slightly he reassured the child quietly but with a humorous twist of his lips. 'You're not a nuisance Goku. You're a pain in the butt most of the time, and you never stop complaining about how hungry you are, but I don't find you a nuisance. As for those other inane comments those brainless imbeciles tried to pass off as intelligent insults let me assure you brat that the only thing you are is a stupid monkey that doesn't know how to sit still for two seconds without getting into trouble.'_

_A slow grin began to spread across Goku's face and reassured he stood up, however before he could take a single step away from the desk Sanzo returned from his position near the window and walking around the desk he halted before the small child and indicated toward Goku's shirt. 'Lift it up, monkey, if you're hurt I'll get something for it.'_

_Pulling at his shirt Goku raised the material until his left side was completely exposed to Sanzo's scrutinising gaze. Watching closely Goku didn't flinch as Sanzo reached out and placed his cool fingers gently on the bared flesh and begin to methodically and carefully check the bruised skin near his lower ribs._

_After only a short while Sanzo straightened and said evenly, 'nothing's broken, you'll just have a rather large bruise for a while. Go wash the blood off your hands and I'll put something on them.'_

_Tugging his shirt down Goku rushed into the small room adjoining Sanzo's office and washing his hands quickly he returned to the office in time to see Sanzo place a small bottle on his desk._

_Eyeing the bottle warily Goku made his way back to his chair and sitting down unasked he queried, 'what's that for?'_

_Opening the bottle briskly Sanzo lifted one of Goku's hands as he replied shortly, 'it's an antiseptic, it'll make sure your cuts don't get infected.'_

_Without warning Sanzo doused Goku's hand with the liquid and the next instant Goku yelped as his hand began stinging furiously. Casting a glare at the man in front of him Goku accused loudly, 'that hurt Sanzo!'_

_'Of course it did monkey, what did you think it'd be like?'_

_Sniffing indignantly Goku just continued to glare, although he made no move to resist when Sanzo reached for his other hand. Prepared this time for the pain, Goku did no more than hiss softly as the antiseptic connected with his grazed hands and once Sanzo was finished he waited until the bottle had been returned to the cupboard behind Sanzo's desk and the priest had washed his hands before asking uncertainly, 'Sanzo can I stay here tonight?'_

_Pausing on his way to retrieve some documents from the shelf on the wall, Sanzo turned to examine the hopeful child silently. Finally after a few seconds of internal argument he acquiesced to the boy's request._

_'Fine, you know the rules brat, no snoring, no yelling, no waking me up early with demands to be fed and no bodily sounds of any kind.'_

_With a gleeful shout Goku nodded before bounding out of the room and into Sanzo's sleeping quarters, only to return a short while later with a pile of blankets and a pillow which he immediately threw down on the ground, followed closely by himself._

_Snuggling under the blankets Goku sighed happily as he closed his eyes, not even noticing the hard marble floor beneath him as the warm presence of the priest lulled him to sleep._

_Hearing the contented muttering coming from the corner of the room near his desk Sanzo rolled his eyes as a reluctant smile pulled at his mouth and lowering the document in his hand he allowed his gaze to soften as he observed the sleeping child on the floor. 'You truly are a silly little chimp,' he informed the unconscious boy wryly._

_Upon awakening the next morning Goku was immediately aware that not only had he been placed on a warm, comfortable bed at some point during the night, he was now alone in Sanzo's quarters with the golden haired priest nowhere to be seen. _

_Exiting the room Goku began to make his way down the empty corridor when he heard running footsteps approaching from behind. Hiding behind the wide pillar in front of him Goku watched curiously as a small group of senior monks hurried past, with one of their voices ringing out breathlessly as it exclaimed, 'it's true! Priest Sanzo is demanding that all the acolytes gather out on the training ground and he looked absolutely furious about something.'_

_'Who in the name of the Merciful Goddess would deliberately anger someone like Priest Sanzo?' The disbelieving question was asked as though the speaker had serious concerns over the guilty party's mental capacity._

_'No idea, but one thing's for sure I'm not going to miss this!'_

_As the monks disappeared out of sight Goku's head peeked out from behind the pillar to stare after them curiously. Deciding to find out what Sanzo was doing to cause such a stir amongst the monks, Goku hurried outside and toward the section of the temple grounds where he had previously seen the younger acolytes gather for their martial arts training._

_Staying out of sight of the rather large crowd that had congregated, Goku made his way over to where he would have a clear sight of Sanzo's tall, imperious figure standing in icy silence as he waited for the last of the acolytes to join their spiritual brothers._

_Gazing out at the assortment of faces Goku couldn't help but notice that the acolytes all looked identical to him._

_'They're all here Priest Sanzo.'_

_Fixing his eyes back on his guardian Goku watched intently as Sanzo moved toward the nervously shifting monks with the deliberate grace of a predator stalking its prey. When he spoke the priest's voice sent chills of apprehension shivering down the spines of all present._

_'I am only going to ask this once. Yesterday my charge was locked inside the abandoned storehouse near the south garden by a group of you. I want to know who was responsible.' His glare becoming more menacing with each passing moment Sanzo declared, 'you have ten seconds to answer me.'_

_Goku stared in amazement as the crowd of onlookers watched in a mixture of trepidation and fascinated expectancy as the group of acolytes fidgeted restlessly beneath Sanzo's piercing gaze, however, when the ten seconds were up not one had stepped forward._

_As though he had been anticipating this result Sanzo commented sarcastically, 'how very noble of you all. I do hope the ones who are guilty of the crime will appreciate the sacrifice made by the innocent ones.'_

_Turning his back on the acolytes Sanzo walked across to where the Martial Arts Instructor stood waiting and barked out curtly, 'get them ready.'_

_Puzzled frowns now began to show on the faces of all present and from his hiding place Goku was trying to figure out what it was Sanzo intended to do._

_After the Instructor had finished ordering the acolytes into their rows Sanzo strode forward, his white silken robes flowing about him intimidatingly. Coming to a halt in front of the group Sanzo informed them with such a cool lack of emotion that it was worse than if he had shouted violently, 'I will be your instructor this morning and instead of your usual exercises each of you will be given five minutes in which to try and defeat me.' Smirking dangerously Sanzo added warningly, 'I would advise you to show no hesitation in your attacks for I will show no such weakness.'_

_As the Instructor indicated for the first acolyte to move forward, Goku could see that the monk was displaying a ridiculous air of arrogance as though he expected to be able to overcome Sanzo with one attack. This assumption was quickly proved incorrect._

_Five minutes later, the acolyte was limping off to the side whilst pressing a hand to his aching stomach and attempting to conceal the bruise developing over his left cheek._

_Goku sniggered quietly as he watched. 'Sanzo's not even tryin',' he muttered. 'He could've finished him dozens of times.'_

_Over the course of the next hour and a half the crowd watched in awe as Sanzo swiftly defeated each and every opponent without getting injured once. By the time the last wounded acolyte joined his friends the group was standing in defeated and humiliated silence, their bodies displaying a colourful array of bruises with a few minor cuts which bled sluggishly._

_Regarding the pitiful sight in front of him Sanzo allowed a grim satisfaction to fill his eyes for a moment before he squashed the feeling and once again masked his emotions with a cool, indifferent expression._

_'That is your first and final warning,' Sanzo announced shortly. 'Should anyone attempt a repeat of yesterday's treatment of my charge then I can assure you, you won't just have a few bruises to worry about!'_

_Turning about sharply Sanzo made his way over to a particularly large tree and pausing beneath its branches said unexpectedly, 'show's over monkey so if you still want to be fed get out of that tree and get cleaned up. I can smell you from here.'_

_Tilting his head back Sanzo peered into the rustling leaves and spotting the startled golden eyes gazing back at him, stated clearly, 'yes I knew you were there as soon as you came out, now hurry up or I'm going to the village without you.'_

_Stepping away from the tree Sanzo mentally counted to three before he heard a loud thump behind him heralding the arrival of Goku back onto solid ground._

_'Hey Sanzo wait for me!'_

'SANZO!'

Clutching his pillow tightly against his stomach Goku resurfaced from his memory with a startled jolt. It took him a moment to realise that he had actually shouted Sanzo's name out loud. Burying his face into the soft depths of the pillow Goku let out a muffled groan as he heard pounding footsteps hurrying toward his room. He didn't need to guess who was coming.

Within seconds his door was flung open and in rushed a concerned Hakkai and Gojyo.

'Goku, what's wrong?'

Hastily making his way over to where the teenager was still seated on the bed, Hakkai's green eyes took in the slightly haunted expression on Goku's face and reaching out he placed a comforting hand on the boy's trembling shoulder as he said gently, 'it's Sanzo isn't it Goku.' As Goku nodded silently Hakkai told him reassuringly, 'you know he'll be okay Goku, if there's one person who knows how to take care of himself it's Sanzo and we'll find him again soon, besides you know how he hates it when we worry about him.'

Goku nodded again, but he couldn't stop from arguing, 'he worries about us though! Like when Chin Yisou was after you Hakkai and when Gojyo went after Kami-sama by himself and when I go and do somethin' stupid. He may say he doesn't care sometimes but he does!'

Wisely staying out of the conversation after his recent confrontation with his best friend, Gojyo stood in mute silence as Hakkai answered calmly, 'I know Goku, I'm well aware of Sanzo's contradictory nature in these matters, however what I meant was, he must have known what he was doing when he left and he wouldn't want you to keep on worrying about him like this.'

'I guess.'

Appearing to accept Goku's half-hearted response Hakkai gave the teenager's shoulder one last reassuring pat before moving back to the door and saying amiably, 'Gojyo as we're leaving in the morning could you make sure that everything is packed and ready to go by eight o'clock. Luckily since we used Sanzo's credit card to pay for the rooms we can stay here tonight and get some breakfast before we go.'

'Fine.' Preparing to leave the room Gojyo paused and, casting a furtive glance back at Goku who still hadn't moved since Hakkai had left his side, asked loudly, 'hey monkey, you wanna go get somethin' to eat?'

Blank golden eyes looked up and after a moment Goku answered dully, 'not hungry.'

'Come off it chimp, you haven't eaten in like two hours, you gotta be starvin'! Stop mopin' in here and –'

'Goku if you would prefer to go to sleep we'll understand, after all you've been through quite a lot in the last two days.' Hakkai's pleasant voice interrupted Gojyo's deliberately provocative spiel and shooting a warning glance at his friend he finished calmly, 'if you get hungry just come and tell us, our rooms are across the hall.'

Placing a firm hand on Gojyo's shoulder Hakkai smiled blandly as he urged with deceptive politeness, 'come on Gojyo, we still haven't finished that game of cards. Goodnight Goku.'

As the door swung shut on Gojyo's muttered comment on manhandling friends Goku swung his feet over the side of his bed and, going over to the barred window, he gazed out at the shining moon now drifting high in the sky.

Despite his seeming acceptance of Hakkai's reassurances, Goku couldn't shake the uneasy feeling he had every time he thought of Sanzo going after the thing that attacked him by himself and possibly getting himself killed.

'_Please don't die_.' The silent plea echoed inside Goku's head as he once again recalled the last smile he had seen on his guardian's face. '_Please don't die_...Sanzo!'

xxxxxxxxxx

'_No, it's okay...I think I'd be okay...that's why I gotta make sure to not die!_'

_A breath of wind, the horrifying sound of flesh being torn apart._

_The beaming smile vanished in a spray of blood, the once golden eyes fading as death stretched forth his hand, preparing to receive his newest victim..._

'GOKU!'

The strangled cry rang out in the comfortable motel room and, his violet eyes widened in frantic desperation, Sanzo panted harshly as his nightmare burned freshly in his mind.

'Damn it.'

Raising one shaky hand to his eyes, Sanzo hastily scrubbed away the betraying streaks coursing down his cheeks before he even attempted to stand up from where he had inadvertently fallen asleep sitting beside the open window overlooking the now deserted street below.

Since departing from his companions the image of Goku's bloodied body, laying motionless on the ground, had become a permanent presence in Sanzo's mind and it seemed that even in sleep the memory would not fade.

Gripping the windowsill tightly Sanzo gazed unseeingly out at the darkened sky as all the memories of the night before flooded into his head.

The strangely serious conversation between himself and Goku; the silent and deadly attack by an unknown and unidentified presence; Goku's blood staining his robes and exposed flesh as he clutched the fallen body to himself; the chill that had crept down his spine as he had recalled the only other time he had been unable to sense the presence of another being; Goku's blood seeping into the white stone and turning his hands red as he held him; Gojyo's and Hakkai's appearance; blood spilling down the cracks in the pavement; Hakkai striking him out of his shock; frantic calls around him, their meaning unfathomable; one small hand laying defencelessly open in a gathering pool of blood; Hakkai's voice, breaking through the haze surrounding him, yelling desperately, "_I can't keep up with the bleeding!_"; Goku gurgling on his own blood; an unknown emotion surfacing within him for the first time; the last sign of life beginning to fade from Goku's body; the emotion within him growing stronger, spurring him to leave his companions with an implacable, "_I will kill him!_".

From that point on the emotion had not left him, the unfamiliar pure desire and untainted intent to kill.

Although it had been slightly overshadowed when a sense of his normal equilibrium fleetingly pierced through the fog surrounding his mind, causing him to halt in his impassioned pursuit of his invisible enemy and remember whom it was he had left behind to die without the presence of the one who had always been beside him from the first moment he was released from his mountain prison. It was then that the unmistakable Chi had exploded around him; the anguished despair inside of him transforming into desperate concern within seconds.

Closing his eyes Sanzo recalled vividly the feelings of overwhelming disbelief and shock that had swept through him upon his exiting the alleyway near the motel to encounter an event he had never thought to see occur.

The powerful form of the Seiten Taisei had been screaming in pain as what appeared to be an electrical current surged through his body, the volatile power sent through vine tendrils extending from a transformed Hakkai, before the creature collapsed in shock. The next instant Gojyo had appeared from somewhere and quickly replaced the golden diadem upon Goku's head.

After that Sanzo would admit that all he could recall was walking forward, his steps taking him automatically to where Goku's body now lay in a comatose sleep, whilst the panicked voice of Gojyo barely even penetrated the surface of his mind.

He had stared down at the blood-soaked boy at his feet and realised with stunned horror what he had done to the one person he had come to care for deeply; he had, in a fit of blind grief and anger, abandoned the one who had trusted him to never leave him behind.

Remorse and self-loathing had swelled inside of him, along with the conviction that he had committed an unforgivable offence toward his companions. He had always told them to never lose control during battle, to control their emotions at all times and what had he done? He had _really_ lost it, to the extent that he doubted any of them, not even Goku, would be able to forgive him for his actions.

He had come to a decision at that moment, as he stared down at the unconscious form of his ward. With his emotional state being so shaken he couldn't risk exposing not only Goku but also Hakkai and Gojyo to the dangers that this would entail. If he could abandon them once in such a dire situation then it was highly possible he would do so again and it was a risk he was not willing to take, especially if he was correct in his assumption as to the identity of Goku's attacker.

It was when Gojyo had come and picked up Goku that he knew what he must do. Gojyo's fury toward him had been clearly evident and in Sanzo's mind that fury was justified. So he had said nothing. He had listened as Gojyo walked away, his two unconscious companions under his arms and he, Sanzo, had left quickly and quietly. He hadn't wanted to take the chance of Goku awakening and coming with him. By leaving him behind with Hakkai and Gojyo, he could at least ensure that the next time the attacker came after him Goku would not be in danger of getting hurt again.

At the thought of the seemingly untrackable attacker Sanzo's eyes flew open and he glared out into the night sky.

'You're out there somewhere. I will find you, no matter where you are. I will find you and kill you myself for what you've done.'

As his cold, murderous declaration sounded in the room Sanzo winced as he once again saw the small form of his charge laying on the stone pavement, a red pool gathering around him as his blood gushed from the multitude of wounds on his body, and slowly another emotion overcame his rage.

'Stupid little chimp.'

The phrase was said with unconscious gentleness and the golden haired priest stared unblinkingly at the unfinished plate of spring rolls that sat abandoned on the table across the room. 'I never thought the day would come when I would actually wish to hear you complaining you were hungry. I bet if you were here there'd be no food left on the tray and we'd probably be out looking for an all hours restaurant that served meatbuns and sukiyaki.

'Since the day I found you on that mountain you've created nothing but chaos! You're noisy, foolish to the point of idiocy and your greatest skill is outeating that perverted cockroach. However, given the choice again I would still release you.'

His shoulders relaxing unconsciously Sanzo allowed his mind to briefly contemplate how his missing companions were behaving since discovering his absence.

'No doubt the little monkey woke up in a panic about everything and will eventually attempt to hide it by driving everyone crazy with demands to be fed, whilst Gojyo is most likely calling me every name under the sun and damning my entire existence, and Hakkai is most probably still smiling that annoyingly placid smile and telling them both to behave as he fusses over that dragon of his.'

A feeling that was suspiciously like that of desolation crept over the golden haired priest as he finally acknowledged silently what he could never admit out loud; he actually found himself missing the company of his three youkai companions, even that of Gojyo!

Sanzo had enough self-awareness to realise that whenever it was that he again met up with his missing friends he was unlikely to suddenly become an affable and exceptionally patient man, for this was not in his nature. He was well aware of his shortcomings and whilst he knew he would probably be more temperate with Goku, he realised that it was impossible for him to drastically change any facet of his character.

_Sanzo!_

The voice was so unexpected and loud that for a moment Sanzo believed the one responsible for almost deafening him must be standing directly beside him. It was not until he had spun around in startled surprise that he realised that he remained alone in the room and that the voice had sounded from inside his head.

'What the –?' It took only a second for Sanzo to identify the source of the voice. 'Goku!'

Gritting his teeth against the hauntingly familiar ache developing behind his eyes, a pain which he had first experienced six years ago, Sanzo rubbed a trembling hand across his brow. He had not thought to hear such agonising despair in that voice again since that night he had first seen the Seiten Taisei.

Dropping wearily into his chair Sanzo was staggered when the full meaning behind his hearing of the voice dawned on him. Goku calling him meant that either he was unaware of Sanzo's actions after the attack, which considering Gojyo's outspoken nature was not likely, or the little monkey was aware of them and had somehow managed to forgive him for his abandonment. If he was honest with himself Sanzo would have to own that he hoped it was the latter.

Hearing Goku's voice once again, Sanzo nearly weakened in his resolve to continue after the attacker alone, until the image that would forever remain etched into his memory appeared before him in all its violent colour and his determination was strengthened anew.

'I'm sorry Goku.'

The apology sounded foreign falling as it did from such proud lips, however deep remorse was clearly evident in the normally cold voice as Sanzo continued quietly, 'I cannot answer you this time, not until I have found him and made him pay for what he did to you; even if it takes me a lifetime!'

Walking over to the window Sanzo stood there silently as he looked up to see the silver moon bathing the world in its soft radiance, and it was as he stared at the shining orb above him that the comforting words of his master came to him, momentarily wiping from his mind all thoughts of vengeance and grief.

"_To care for someone is not a weakness Kouryuu, in fact it is the one emotion that can give a person the strength to overcome any obstacle put in their path. One day you will discover this and then you will understand._"

Suddenly two smiling faces appeared before him; one with long honey coloured hair and gentle eyes, now many years deceased, the other with short brown hair, wide innocent eyes, and miraculously alive. His Master and his monkey.

'I guess I understand now, Master,' Sanzo whispered to the night sky. 'Nothing in heaven or on earth will stop me from finding the one I seek. I swear it.'

And as his words floated away on the gentle breeze an answer, whether it was real or just a faint echo from the past remained uncertain, came back to him in his Master's affectionate voice, "_It's time for you to be strong, Priest Genjyo Sanzo_."


End file.
